Spiritual mentoring: Growing into the image of Christ through relationships

I have someone very special in my life. 

She sings with me in the mountaintops, sits with me when I am in the valley and scolds me when I am in the wrong. 

She has never once discredited my feelings – sometimes irrational – nor dismissed my rants, no matter how melodramatic.

She has managed to talk me off the cliff many times with her godly wisdom. She has even hugged me through some terrible life decisions. 

She is no Pastor but her steady presence as a signpost in my life have kept my soul sane and spirit strong. 

It is from her that I learnt to walk with people in pain. 

According to Dr Tan Soo-Inn’s new book Growing People Relationally, this friend would be to me what Soo-Inn calls a spiritual mentor: “A friend in Christ who guides the spiritual growth of one or several others by journeying with them.”

Spiritual mentoring is not a novel concept, Soo-Inn pointed out at his book launch.

“It was Jesus’ primary methodology. He took 12 friends, went on a three-year trip with them and guided their growth relationally,” he said. 

Not a programme but a relationship

Spiritual mentoring is not teaching. It is “an intentional, relational, process for helping people grow in Christlikeness, by which one person becomes a spiritual guide for one or several others,” Soo-Inn wrote in his book. 

Mentors guide mentees, but mentees take responsibility, he said at the book launch.

“They discover the ‘aha!’ for themselves. We have to ask questions, and when they discover the truth for themselves, it’s much more powerful. 

“Salvation is not just rescuing people from hell. God is forming a new humanity of people who bear the image of His Son,” Soo-Inn reflected. “It’s not about programmes or about us. It’s about bringing hope to a suffering world by shining like stars.”

How then do we become people who are fully mature in Christ? 

The book highlights three God-given resources to practise spiritual mentoring: His Spirit to empower us, His Word to teach us, and His people to support, challenge, encourage and hold the vision before the mentee. 

The book outlines several forms of spiritual mentoring – it could be ad hoc and casual or structured and formal; it could be peer-to-peer or between different generations; it could be face-to-face or through other means of communication.

Whichever form it takes, the ministry of mentoring boils down to these fundamental practices. Here are five excerpted from the book, edited for brevity: 

1. Listening

Perhaps the most important practice in spiritual mentoring is listening. For mentees to see the work of God in their lives, they must be able to narrate their story. Therefore, they need someone to listen to them.

When we listen to someone, we are telling them we value them enough to give them the gift of listening. Mentors must be truly present to listen to what’s being said and what is not said, to the tone of voice, to emotions, and to body language. This requires intentionality of focus and hard work.

The mentor’s first call is to listen to the mentee, but the mentor should also be listening to what the Holy Spirit may reveal about the mentee and his situation.

If the mentor thinks the Lord may have revealed something that would be of help to the mentoring situation, the mentor should use tentative language to share the insight with the mentee.

The insight can be shared using guiding questions such as “Could it be …?” or “What do you think …?”

Tentative language invites the mentee to own the insight if it is indeed true.

2. Asking questions

To help the mentee open up about his life, the mentor needs to lead with questions.

The right kinds of questions help mentees reflect on what they really believe. Such an awareness may lead the way to change. A large part of mentoring is helping mentees see the work of God in their lives and encouraging them to respond appropriately.

The right questions help. Jesus used questions strategically as He taught His disciples. Open-ended questions give space for the mentees to share.

The mentor should not badger mentees to answer his questions but should instead create a safe and patient space that invites mentees to share freely. 

3. Discerning

In walking with a mentee. a mentor must discern if the mentee’s path is within the boundaries of Scripture. Again, this is best done by asking questions, directing the mentee to the relevant Bible passages, and guiding the mentee to see if he can reconcile a proposed behaviour with what the Bible teaches. 

The are times when the mentee needs discernment on matters not directly dealt with by Scripture, for example, decisions about vocation and marriage. As Henri Nouwen writes, seeking God’s way in specific decisions requires “deep listening for the way and will of God.”

This ministry of discernment requires the mentor to be familiar with the Bible and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The mentor and mentee must seek the Lord together as to how the Lord may be leading the mentee. 

4.     Sharing appropriate life stories

Listening rather than talking remains the mentor’s primary contribution to the mentoring journey. But there are times when the mentor can share a story from his life that can help the mentee understand a point or to help the mentee process his own situation.

Daniel Taylor in Creating Spiritual Legacies writes: “A good story is directive. It is not preachy or lecturing or bullying or necessarily explicit in its directing, but it rejects that all choices are equally valid … Stories do not tell us precisely what to do, but they point directions.”  

If the mentor chooses to share an appropriate life story, it should be one that the mentor has already processed and learnt from. The mentor should not share situations that are still raw, hoping that the mentee can help the mentor find meaning in his struggle. This may potentially confuse the mentoring interaction and distract from the aim to guide the mentee’s understanding. 

5.     Praying together

The mentor must always be praying for the mentee. This is an acknowledgement that it is the Holy Spirit that changes lives.

The mentor prays for the Spirit’s transforming work in the life of the mentee. This is the invisible work of mentoring because the mentee may or may not know that the mentor is praying for him regularly. 

There is also the practice of praying with the mentee. We do this for a few reasons.

First, it is God who is the primary mentor;  both the “earthly” mentor and mentee look to Him for the grace needed for the journey of transformation.

Second, the Christian life, including spiritual mentoring, is rooted in our relationship with God. He is the centre of our lives, not the mentor, or the mentee, or the mentoring programme. 

Ultimately, mentoring is to help people to grow in maturity or towards a certain role, Soo-Inn reiterated. “The starting point is not me or mentoring or the church. It is about what God up to,” he said.

“So when we embark on mentoring, we’re actually taking on to God’s agenda to raise a new humanity.” 

Growing People Relationally: Frameworks for Spiritual Mentoring by Tan Soo-Inn is available from Graceworks. 

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