Shantini Sathiyanesan never thought she would ever struggle with her mental health.

“In my 20s, I had everything in life. I was a high-flyer, in a leadership position, doing well. I had a loving family, a long-term relationship, a social life.”

Then one by one, things began to fall apart. First, her grandmother passed away. Then she became a victim of cyberbullying which she endured for a prolonged period. There was also intense discrimination and work politics.

“Non-stop, one after another, the crises happened. Then I started questioning like, ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ Eventually, I fell into depression.

“After that, suicidal thoughts were something that came. I was struggling to keep alive.”

Two suicide attempts followed.

“It’s not that I wanted to die. But I just wanted the pain to end,” she said. 

“I never ever thought I would live past 30.”

Now 38, Shanti is a counsellor with Samaritans of Singapore (SOS). She shared her story, raw and real, at the second of Salt&Light’s Uncomfortable Conversations series. The topic was “Mental Health and the Church”.

Shantini Sathiyanesan shared her experience with depression to encourage the participants. Photo courtesy of SOS.

On the panel, along with Shanti, were Dr Adrian Loh, a Senior Consultant Psychiatrist at Promises Healthcare, and television actress and host Felicia Chin who is also the face of 还好吗, a Christian Chinese digital platform.

Moderating the discussion was Ps Edric Sng, editor of the Thir.st Collective and Deputy Senior Pastor of Bethesda Bedok Tampines Church (BBTC).

(Left to right) Ps Edric Sng, Felicia Chin, Dr Adrian Loh and Shantini Sathiyanesan talking about how the Church can help those struggling with their mental health.

Explaining the impetus for this series of talks on tough topics, Ps Edric said: “As a church, we should be full of compassion, full of love, full of understanding. And we should be uncomfortable with the fact that people out there are suffering, maybe even next to us in our pews.

“One of the things that has been levelled against the Church is that the Church is not necessarily the best at talking about mental health. We need to level up and learn how to listen, how to discuss, how to minister in this realm of mental health.

“In this series, we talk about things that maybe the Church is not so comfortable talking about.”

“How are you?”

Mental health struggles are getting more and more real in Singapore. Just amongst the some 300 participants, the majority of whom were believers, 12% reported in a Slido survey that they scored a 2 out of 5 in terms of their mental health.

This is, however, better than the national figures. In 2022, 17% of Singaporeans struggled with mental health. Data from an Institute of Mental Health study supports this. In the report, it was noted that those with a religion have more positive mental health.

Yet in a Christian mental health survey conducted by Christian mental health advocates, more than 60% of those polled said they felt the Church had not sufficiently equipped them to deal with mental health concerns. Nearly 85% also said the Church should do more to address mental health issues. In addition, over a third did not feel that their church was a “safe place to talk about mental health issues”.

Said Ps Edric: “From the numbers and the data, maybe there’s more we (the Church) could be doing, maybe there’s better we could be doing.”

Ps Edric Sng shared openly about his struggles with mental health in his earlier days.

In the same Christian mental health survey, 6% of Pastors or church staffers had suicidal thoughts within the past one year of the survey. The numbers climbed to 19% if it was beyond a year.

Added Ps Edric: “A lot of Pastors understand depression. So if you’re in church and you’re struggling, there’s a high chance your Pastor or some Pastor in your church will be able to empathise and journey with you through it.”

How is the Church doing?

In general, the panellists felt that the Church is doing better at raising awareness of mental health struggles.

“My Senior Pastor is very big about mental health,” said Felicia, referring to Ps Chua Seng Lee, Senior Pastor of BBTC and co-founder of the Christian Mental Health Conference.

“He is also in my cell group. So what helps is that in the cell group there’s also a lot of sharing about mental health.”

Felicia Chin talked about the immense support she received from her church with regard to managing her mental health.

Felicia shared that in her 20s, she developed bulimia because of the stress of being under the spotlight.

“My coping mechanisms weren’t healthy at all. It’s either food or I would like lock myself in the room for like a few days in darkness.”

After becoming a Christian 10 years ago, she has found that having a church community “with mental health knowledge and empathy was really important”.

“Ps Seng Lee has been a very big mentor to me as well. He has had a lot of conversations with me about my struggles.”

The Senior Pastor also directed Felicia to the Ellel Ministries, a healing ministry. She spent three weeks in the United Kingdom under their guidance where she had time for extended prayer, hearing God’s Word and simply resting.

“Being in the right community with a biblical perspective has been very helpful for me,” she added. “And having a safe space to share and not be condemned or judged has been very helpful.”

Dr Loh shared his experience at his church, Adam Road Presbyterian Church. One of his Pastors was the late Rev John Ting who had lived experience of depression and would openly share about it over the pulpit.

“He would actually share about his use of medications and encourage people to be treated for all sorts of mental health concerns while at the same time ministering to them pastorally,” said Dr Loh.

“This was the late 2000s. So that’s quite progressive. At our local church level, it did help to open up views about mental health.”

How can I help?

1. Understand that it is part of the Fall

Said Dr Loh: “Understand that mental illness is about fallenness. Let’s not put mental illness as a separate category, as something really strange. It is just another manifestation of brokenness in this world.”

2. Recognise the condition

Dr Loh shared about a young man who had not been very well-received by his peers because they did not know that he was neurodivergent and had been annoyed by the way he was always “saying the wrong thing at the wrong time”.

When Dr Loh realised the young man was neurodivergent, he told the people about it and “immediately the perspective changed”.

He encouraged the participants to recognise mental health issues so they can have that “switch within us” take place as well.

3. Make accommodations

For some who experience mental health issues, attending a church service where there is loud music, participating in a church camp with plenty of people or even going for cell group meetings can be “very daunting and stressful”, noted Dr Loh.

“It’s the energy level, it’s the shame. So it’s just overwhelming for them and affects their ability to participate in body life,” he described.

Dr Adrian Loh has a special interest in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety Disorders and Neurodiversity. He has expertise in military and occupational and aviation psychiatry. Photo from Promises Healthcare website.

“Come forward with alternatives. I know of pastors who go and read (the Bible) to them for a period of time until they can come back to corporate worship.”

Understanding that mental health struggles can put a strain on a person also allows expectations from others to be managed accordingly.

Said Felicia: “A close friend of mine shared how by the end of the week, she’s just so drained. When she goes to cell, someone will ask her like: “Hey, how is your Bible study? Did you read your Bible?’

“She says she feels like she still needs to give more on Saturday. After a while, she just doesn’t want to go to cell. She just hopes that someone can just ask her a sincere, ‘How are you?’”

4. Be present

Felicia talked about the “nights when I just don’t know how to continue anymore” and how her husband simply listened to her without judgement.

“He just sat by my side and allowed me to rant and then sleep. I think it was very helpful. Sometimes no words is better than a lot of words. Your presence is good enough, just like Job’s friend in the beginning in those seven days.”

Shanti added: “In my own struggles, there were times when I really, really cannot feel God. I even ask questions like: ‘Have You forgotten me? Are You punishing me?’

“What really helped is for the other person to actually acknowledge instead of dismissing this pain, this loneliness and listen without invalidating or discounting that feeling and pushing to like fix that.

“So acknowledge and just sit with a person.”

5. Persist with the little things

Shanti credits her church, Woodlands Evangelical Free Church, for their unconditional love for her.

“What really brought me comfort was not the grand gestures. It’s really simple things like sending me a message and telling me, ‘You don’t need to reply, but I’m thinking of you.’ So there was no pressure because sometimes we just don’t want to reply.

“Buying me something small or even writing me a note. Or just sending, ‘Oh, I prayed for you.’, or sending me a prayer. Even when I reject you over and over again, you took me out. Even when I lost my temper, you still showed me love.”

6. Respect their privacy

Dr Loh also urged participants to find out “to what extent the person is comfortable with their mental health being brought up”.

Ps Edric agreed: “I had depression for a few years and it’s one of those weird things about depression: You want attention and you hate attention at the same time.

“You’re so full of self-pity that you want people to pity you, but at the same time, you can’t stand the attention because you feel judged and ashamed. That’s the balance that we’re trying to find here.”

7. Walk in a small group  

Shanti suggested having just a small group of people surround the person. Her counsellor had asked her to list down six people who could be her “safe persons” and to create a chatgroup so they could regularly check in on her.

“There was a key word which is ‘pray’. That meant you don’t ask me anything. When you see the word, just pray.”

Limiting the number of those journeying with the person has other advantages.

“I don’t think we want to hijack the whole cell group meeting by talking about me and my worries. That would make me feel even worse.

“It could be a subset of the cell group.”

8. Remember the caregivers

Shanti spoke of the importance of supporting the caregivers as well. Her church friends listened to her mother, knowing how distressed she was by Shanti’s condition.

“They took turns to hear her out, assure her like: ‘We are with Shan, we are walking with her.’ That really helped and that also helped her to soften her heart about me being a Christian.”

How do you equip the mentors?

When cell group leaders are only a little older than the ones with mental health struggles whom they supporting, how can the Church help the leaders? This was on the questions the audience posed the panel.

Ps Seng Lee, who has a heart for youth and mental health, stepped in to answer: “We need to scope the role of the cell leaders, otherwise nobody would want to be cell leaders.

“They just need to be able to do first aid or what you call triage: Be able to identify the issue and to make referrals because you’re not trying to train your cell leaders to become counsellors. That’s not the job scope of the cell leader.”

Ps Chua Seng Lee has a heart for mental well-being. In 2011, he authored a book on overcoming depression among young people.

SOS has training programmes for that and is able to go to the church or cell group to conduct the sessions.

Said Shanti: “We will be very open to explore and even personalise it towards your church. It’s important to get yourself equipped because if you don’t have the knowledge, then you won’t know what to do.”

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