Once or twice a month, Shaun Lee packs his bags to fly off to another country.

But the 37-year-old is not your typical traveller seeking to satisfy his wanderlust.

Instead, Shaun is a trailing spouse who left his full-time ministry job to be a stay-home father to his young daughters aged three and five.

“We think it’s better to keep the family together since my wife has to travel so often. So when my wife has a work trip that is three days or more, I’ll bring them. On shorter trips, I hold the fort at home,” he explained.

Due to her work as an investment consultant, Shaun’s wife, Jean, goes on business trips two to four times a month, sometimes even more.

While Jean might be flying in business or premium economy class, the instinctively thrifty Shaun is content to sit in economy, book a budget flight or even drive up.

“The kids are very experienced and well-behaved road trippers. Once we endured a gruelling 10-hour drive from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur due to traffic congestion,” he shared.

Getting to travel frequently as a family is a privilege, but the reality is that parenting high-energy preschoolers – no matter where you are in the world – is taxing.

When Jean is at work, Shaun spends time with his daughters, making sure they are meaningfully occupied, whether at bookstores or playgrounds. He also settles their meals and nap times.

“I need to recover for a few days after that, but I know that they enjoy the quality time together, so I do it,” said Shaun, speaking to Salt&Light in the same week he returned from an “intense” trip (read: 10 days or more).

Despite all that he does for his girls, it is somewhat surprising that his wife is “still their favourite”.

“But when Mummy’s not around, they’re very happy to be with me,” added Shaun with a grin.

From full-time minister to full-time homemaker

The year was 2020 – a crazy year for many, but an especially memorable one for Shaun.

Just before COVID-19 rocked Singapore, he had started a new role as a youth and young adult ministry staff at Gospel Baptist Church.

Since this was Shaun’s first full-time job after graduating from a local Bible college, he was stoked to finally be able to put his ministry skills to good use.

“It was very fun because we were all locked down in our homes and everyone had time for interactions on Zoom,” he recalled.

Besides teaching multiple Christian Education classes every week, Shaun would play online games with the youths and participate in young adult cell groups. 

“It was a prolonged season in hyperfocus,” said Shaun, referring to one of the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which he only later discovered he had.

Shaun (centre) with the friends he got to know from Asia Theological Centre when he was pursuing a Bachelor of Ministry Leadership.

But the way Shaun was working started to impact his health. “I think I didn’t really rest well. My sleep was also not very good,” he recounted.

When churches started to re-open and were trying to encourage members to return for physical services, Shaun, too, felt a burden for those who stayed away.

Despite being new to the church, he tried his best to reach out to some of the young adults he barely knew, but to no avail.

“I felt like these people were under my care, but I couldn’t do anything to bring them back to church.”

After his second child was born in 2022, Shaun saw how his job was also taking a toll on his wife.

“A ministry worker works nights and weekends, which is the opposite of her (schedule). So she did not really have a chance to rest, even on a Sunday.”

After service on Sundays, Shaun would be teaching Christian Education classes while Jean fed the kids lunch. When they could finally head home, it would also be past their children’s nap times.

“Often we spent two to three hours on the road, driving around Singapore as the kids took their nap,” said Shaun. 

“Although I loved my job very much, I was very torn between ministry and family. Eventually my mind couldn’t handle the tussle.”

Sharing that he experienced painful sensations in his chest on three to four occasions over the course of his ministry, Shaun underwent multiple blood tests and scans.

“Eventually the cardiologist told me, ‘Your heart is fine. Something is causing you a lot of stress.’”

Realising that what he needed was rest, Shaun stopped working in June 2023.

Prioritising family as a ministry

While he did not foresee that this hiatus would be so long term, Shaun is grateful that he is getting to do many things he was not able to do previously.

“I don’t remember much of the first two years of my elder girl’s life,” he confessed.

“I was physically there, but not emotionally present to interact with them. I was a shell of myself.”

From listening to his daughter express her sadness about “polar bears losing their house” to answering questions about puberty, Shaun is glad that he now has the energy and headspace to engage in conversations and impart values.

Bible stories are also part of his children’s bedtime routine, when Shaun makes it a point to tell them about Jesus.

“I didn’t go back to full-time work because my wife started to travel overseas almost every week,” he said, adding that both of them believe it is good for one parent to stay home in their kids’ early years if finances permit.

Shaun and his friends from Agape Baptist Church, where he was worshipping at before he got married. He also credits his mentor Rev Terence Ng (not pictured), the former youth pastoral staff of the church, for constantly reminding him that family comes first.

“Even before I went into full-time ministry, I was very clear that family is the most important ministry. Yet I could not really figure out a healthy balance,” noted Shaun.

That being said, the idea of being a stay-home dad might not have been something that Shaun would have considered more than a decade ago if not for different things that happened in his life.

“God had to deal with me first,” Shaun told Salt&Light.

Humbled by God

Reflecting on his younger self, Shaun shared how although he did badly for his ‘A’ levels, he thrived academically when he enrolled in polytechnic after National Service.

While studying for his Diploma in Applied Drama and Psychology, Shaun was also working as a private tutor, teaching an average of five to six students at a time.

But that was not all – he started an online business selling bicycle accessories too.

“I was crazy about earning money. I found my security in earning money and in my academic results,” admitted Shaun.

In a month, he could be easily earning a decent income from his two jobs.

“I was doing very well for a person without a degree,” he said. “I grounded my self-worth in my achievement in studies and how much money I earned.”

However, the first blow came during graduation when Shaun did not get the grade he was chasing.

“I didn’t graduate with a perfect GPA (Grade Point Average), which was very important to me because I took great pride in my results.”

Eventually, a bad decision that he made in relation to the e-commerce platform on his website also caused income from his online business to dry up.

Pointing out how those incidents humbled him, Shaun said that God continued to transform his heart when he embarked on theological studies after obtaining his diploma.

Shaun at his graduation from Asia Theological Center in 2018. It was during his time as a theological student that he truly began to understand about his self-worth in Christ.

While pursuing a Bachelor of Ministry Leadership at Asia Theological Center (ATC), he was deeply moved by how he could find his identity in what Jesus has done for him instead of his own performance or perfection.

“That humbling process was very painful, but so very appreciated and necessary. Because I could then place my self-worth in Christ and in His death for me.”

Although Shaun once prided himself on being “better than everyone”, he no longer bothered to compare himself with others.

The assurance that he was loved and accepted not only gave him a new-found security in Christ. He also experienced freedom, which has helped him to do what he feels God is calling him to do in this season – even if it is counter-cultural. 

“Now I do not need to place my self-worth in the amount of money I earn. I don’t have to earn any money, and I’m totally fine with it.”

A season of growing

Opening up about how God is also using this season of staying home to teach him other lessons, Shaun said: “I’m still slightly short-tempered, but I try to model humility for my kids.

“I apologise to them when I feel I’ve gone overboard or when the Holy Spirit prompts me. I explain why I think I’m in the wrong, I ask them to forgive me and I try to do better.”

In summary, Shaun remarked that he is “working hard at all the things I find hard”.

While mundane tasks such as waking the kids up, sending them to school, picking them up, feeding them dinner and putting them to bed might sound simple, they do not come easy for Shaun because of his ADHD.

Sharing that he “likes to live life without routine”, a week that is considered fun for Shaun would be one where he has impromptu meetings with friends every single day.

“Routines are difficult, but they are something you have to do. That is why it is always harder for parents with ADHD than a neurotypical person.”

For instance, strategies such as breaking down tasks that feel overwhelming into smaller, more doable steps have helped him with “task paralysis”, which is common in people with ADHD.

Revealing that another struggle he has is resisting the temptation to be distracted when his brain “seeks shots of dopamine”, Shaun added: “I also ask (my daughters) to remind me to put my phone away if I’m playing with my phone at dinner time, so that I can interact with them.”

The whole idea is just to be more present with his children.

What about the gifts that God has given him for church ministry?

“My main gift is in teaching and discipleship, so I’m kind of still doing that,” observed Shaun.

Despite stepping back from full-time ministry, Shaun was still preaching every now and then at the youth service of Yishun Christian Church (Lutheran) up until recently.

This January, Shaun also took up a new challenge, commencing a Master’s in Ministry Leadership at ATC.

“I felt like I needed to go back to school to study again, to make sure I always have some input, so that I have some output to give,” he said, adding that he also took a break from leading a small group for one-and-a-half years.

Aside from doing one-on-one Bible studies, Shaun is currently leading a discipleship group at Gospel Light Christian Church, where his family worships.

Shaun also regularly meets up with other stay-home fathers who are part of a community called The Ordinary Dad. Besides enjoying food and fellowship over games, these men encourage and challenge one another.

Nonetheless, Shaun still intends to be the primary caregiver for his children in the near future.

“I will do it for as long as my wife’s work doesn’t change,” he clarified.

“As a married couple, this is what we sense God wants us to do in this season in life, so we rest in that.”

Although Shaun is praying that Jean’s travel schedule will slow down, he is also happy to continue being a stay-home dad.

“Soon (my daughters) will grow up and probably not want to have so much time with us anymore. So in this season of life, I hope to be able to spend as much time as I can with them.”

Reflecting on the unconventional choice he made two years ago, he concluded: “Working in full-time ministry was a dream job that I pursued for a long time, yet I think fatherhood is an even more precious and enjoyable use of time.”

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